I'm just sick of myself

I had a good day today. But, sometimes I'm just sick of myself. Besides when my sister got into her car accident, I've never been so uninterested in Christmas. Usually I have really happy dreams of decorating the tree, singing songs. This year...zip...zilch...I'm doing an internal search and nothing is popping up.

That brings me to New Years. Usually I'm a bit anti-New Years because my dad died like two days later. This year is different. Big thing about it- I'VE NEVER BEEN ALONE ON NEW YEARS EVE. Usually I have family or my ex with his daughter. This is my first year ever. It's not like I even stay up late. My first RA flareup was when I woke up New Years Day. I'm a little nervous about it.

One of my work friends came in and was avoiding my gaze and had her hair over half her face. Of course, not realizing that she didn't want any attention and was acting weird (acting weird is normal to me) I totally went up to her and started talking about her hair/things. She was still avoiding my gaze. I see that her eye is all puffed up, I see some red, and some injury. She says she was in an accident and hit her head against the window but was all secretive and avoiding my gaze. So sensing tension, I start the jokes. By the time I sat down, I felt so odd. It occured to me how strange she was acting. Either 1) she is so extremely vain that she can't stand to have someone see her imperfect or 2) she is hiding the fact that her husband probably punched her in the face.

According to my therapist, I need to stop having revenge fantasies. Well, that's just plain wrong. I need to come to the realization that doing any revenge will NOT make me feel better. Even thinking revenge is not productive. That's just plain wrong. I think having revenge fantasies are an excellent way to feel better so you don't lash out and end up in jail. I think about keying his car but I don't do it. But thinking about it makes me smile.... apparently that's a problem. Booooo hisssss
Speaking of revenge, I have been watching a whole bunch of revenge movies. I just saw "Hard Candy", it was a superb revenge movie. Who knew that cute little Juno would make such a great harbinger of revenge?

I won't even go to the dentist until next year now. I don't want any more bad news. After drinking coffee and having my gums all inflammed, there is probably bad news ahead. I'll just carry it on over to next year.

Why am I sick of myself- I want to get over this mood/attitude/thing that has been eating at me all year. My little family didn't work out and got broken up and I was devestated. I'm not devestated anymore. I'm still stuck on anger.

I heard a really nice analogy of therapy. It's like carrying a dead hamster in your pocket and eventually it starts to stink. I SOOOOO want to get rid of my dead hamster and it's stinking big time.... peeeeyuuuuuu.... stinky. In fact, if I check all my pockets I'm sure to find other dead rodents there as well.

So I'm driving to see family up where the hillbillies live. I live in a very affluent place where many drive beemers and are educated to the hilt. I drive to where I become the head cheese with my really fancy car (toyota corolla) and big city talking. I also have all my own teeth (at least until next year). I become the rich one. It's so odd.

Now good things did happen this year. I will be going over them while I'm home alone with my cat on New Years Eve. Now, i am always grateful. Next year will be better.

On another note, I had the inside scoop on an accident that happened close by. A kid was trying to outrun the cops with a mazda (yeah good choice on that one). He had four passengers around 18 years of age. He miscalculated and went under the truck and hit a pole. Well the two people up front saw the semi-truck and ducked but the three people in the back were looking back at the cops. The three kids in back who didn't know to duck all died. Their heads got cut off which is what happens when you go under a semi at a high rate of speed without ducking. Soft tissue and bone vs. a semi....the semi wins.

The two kids up front are okay. The accident pictures made their way around the office. I declined. I don't want to know and I don't want to see... sticks fingers in ears....la la la la la la....

I was going to but I'm not gonna

I went to therapy today. Nothing like ripping off the scab. Fuckety fuck fuck. When I get mad I get tourettes. So instead of going into that I wanted to focus on something sweet.



Dr. Drew is a hottie!!! OMGoodness.

WTF

Brittany Murphy died. I just love her and watch all her movies a multitude of times. This can't be real. Cardiac Arrest at age 32? Yeah right. I'm shocked.

One of the things I just LOVE is celebrity gossip. It's my guilty pleasure. So all these celebrities seem like people I know....but I don't know them. This one bugs me.

RIP Ms. Brittnay

Update to previous TMI post

UPDATE: I wanted to make sure I put in this disclaimer. Married and attached men are not on my radar. I hear 'wife/girlfriend' I suddenly see the universal sign for NO and that man suddenly just becomes a person (they become penis-less). It's kind of like how you would see your dad or brother (and if you see your dad or your brother as sexy then YUCK). I always put myself in the wife/girlfriends shoes...always.

Just once, I had a married man friend (with a beautiful Eur-Asian baby) who was a hottie (lawyer, asian, tall, handsome, smart, funny, and took singing lessons with the same opera teacher as me). He started flirting with me and calling me. I noticed that I started getting really happy when he would call...to happy dag nabbit. So I talked to him about boundaries and his marriage. Come to find out, he told me he likes to push the boundaries and once he went to far. Even though it bummed me out because I had very little happiness at that point in my life, I told him to respect his marriage and his baby, I would not longer be friends with him because I was developing feelings for him. I put it all on me rather than call him out as a dirty dog.

Best lesson I ever heard - When someone tells you who they are....listen. Maya Angelo.

No secrets here -TMI warning

I read Post Secrets where people send it postcards with a secret on it as a way to get it out. I was thinking about if I had a secret. Naaaa but I could get way more transparent.

I usually do my therapy here but right now I feel like a fun entry about something fun...sex and stuff.

So on Friday when that guy let me feel the fabric of his corderoy and got a little bit of man calf, I realized how incredibly turned on I was. It's called Swedish Headache. Boy how easy that was. Just put a single man in reach and I'm all over that like a horny dog. I'm glad I didn't hump his leg. I felt really awake all day. I asked him later if I could 'feel his corderoy again' and he blushed and said no. I had to apologize later for sexual harrasment. I'm going to get my ass fired if I do that again.

I now have to warn single men to not get to close to me. Apparently I'll self combust and get one of those Swedish Headaches. I never realized how easy I was. That's what is a bunch of crap because I go exceptionally long periods of time being celibate. It's easier. Cause if I get a man to scratch that itch, it's just like a bug bite, the itch just spreads and gets itchier (that sounds disgusting). So I need a long term man who doesn't have cooties so I can get it regularly. Even when I don't want to do it because I don't feel well or whatnot, I still do it. Yup, I do the duty booty. When i heard the phrase 'duty booty' I had a giant snorty laugh over that.

I could go get some but I have this deeply held belief that still is strong. If I have sex, two people become one. That person carries a piece of me and I carry a piece of them in my soul. Most of the guys I have seen are not WORTH having a piece of my spirit and I DEFINITLY do not want to carry a piece of their disgusting ass around for the rest of my life. Yes, sex is a spiritual thing for me. Sometimes with the ex it was so good I would have out of body experiences. The clouds would open. Birds would sing. Lighting would strike. I'd hear singing.... (I know totally TMI) Well with him, he's now having sex like he's a party favor. He's just giving himself out like party appetizers. He grosses me out. Me, NO.

I wrapped myself up in bubble wrap and I'm not back on the shelf. Now before the ex, I was celibate for 13 years. I KNOW! Mind you, several years spent on taking care of my sister after her accident. Several years trying to recover from a breakdown after my dad died. Several years moving and doing stuff and being a man hater. When i got needs, I would just eat and it would go away. It's NOT going to be another 13 more years even though I'm still a man hater. The anti-depressants and being disgusted by my ex seem to curb my enthusiasm so it's under control so far.

I don't know what's going to happen. But, I had a strange thought the other day. With Merideth Baxter and the lady from B-52s coming out as late bloomer lesbians, I thought... 'that could be me'. It's not me now but I don't want to limit my options. Love comes where it will and love is a good thing.

So, I have issues. I've been set on doing a whole year without dating so I can straighten out my shit and not bring that baggage into another relationship thus perpetuating the cycle. But, it's hard to date when most women put out now and my vagina is on vacation and not available for consultation. I know through therapy that I will love again. It will just take a man who is consistent over time so I will be comfortable enough to be the freaky deaky that I'm meant to be.

I don't want to create another regret like Paulie Putzfuck. He opened doors, gave me compliments, and talked dirty like I've never heard before. I was stunned at how quickly I went for that. Now, looking back, I was heartbroken because the ex had broken up with me and my family had moved far away. The hole in my heart was so big I was looking to fill it and I made a mistake.

I don't want to do that again. Sex is a big thing for me and it's a spiritual thing. Some people have sex as a way of getting introduced, like a handshake. So after my year is up, I may be looking again. But I'm Viagra-vated. So, I'll leave my vagina on vacation drinking mojitos by the beach and work on other things.

When I do start dating again, i don't trust myself. So, I'll probably be posting a lot and NEEDING FEEDBACK. Like I said, I don't trust myself. Let me feel a little calf and I'm on fire. I'm going to need a backup posse to keep me on track.

the things people say

The other day I was making a joke with the other office women who all had babies. "You all had babies so I'm trying to lose the sympathy baby weight"... guy walkes up "Good thing you didn't have your own baby or you'de be even bigger". Daaaa...I asked him to rephrase that. He just shoved his foot further into his mouth. Apparently the mom's gave him a proper tongue lashing.

Today, my ex walks into work. I'm wearing a new spiffy white shirt for picture day. He says I look like a snowman. Daaaaa... are you saying I'm fat and round like mounds on a snowman. (Ex thinking quickly seeing his death rapidly approaching) "NO! I just never see you wear white".

Later, dude comes over and talks to my ex about his wearing courderoy pants. Dude says it's really nice fabric, get's in my cubicle and stands about an inch away, and asks me to feel the fabric. "You want me to touch your leg?". Yeah, i want you to feel the fabric. I'm in my chair, I reach down, and feel the fabric and a nice bit of toned calf. ooooo Man calf. I realize I've been single a bit long and want to touch a bit more. I get all hot and ask him to leave my cubicle because i've been single to long and it's not safe. Suddenly he starts talking to me about going to a sperm bank so I can get my own baby. "How did we go from talking about fabric to me getting sperm and having a baby". Well apparently he thought I was thinking baby when I was just thinking that I got to feel up his calf. So I get asked what kind of sperm I would want. I said "hispanic sperm" (thinking how fish belly white I am and how my kid has to have a chance with nice skin). The dudes go off on how there has to be a lot of hispanic sperm and why don't I just go down to the Home Depot with a jar. Daaaa...... Later my ex says if I really want sperm, he can give me some from Christmas but I have to make sure if it refrigerated cause it expires. Blaaaaa.....

I got a call from my sister that totally made it better. Apparently she was volunteering and teaching science in a class when a bright young boy asked why she uses a cane. She says she hurt her leg. His response with big eyes "Was it in an experiment?" Oh, kids sometimes make it all better.

This year

Yes, TWO posts... I have things to say.

While other people have had baby's (which are miracles) and good things and happiness and hope, this has been a crappy year for me but I tried my best to make the most of it. There were times I thought I was going to lose my shit and end up in the psych ward. But, here I am. The year is almost over and I'm glad. It's been ten months since breakup. Others say 'oh, that flew by'. Yeah, not me. It's been agonizingly slow.

I read up on Chinese astrology. Apparently this was the year of the OX. My ex was born year of the OX. I was born year of the Dog. The book had an opinion on relationships between Dog and OX..... "Run Forrest RUNNNNN". Yeah, that's what it basically said. I'm serious. The book basically said something about it hopes there are no kids involved and to run far away from each other as possible. That's hil-freakin-larious

The assault, the shingles, the inhalation exposure, the multiple fights, sisters voodoo, the breakup, having skin tumor, Michael Jacksons spotting disease, letting go of my psycho Sylvia friend, the thryoid, arthritis, etc etc... This year has been tough. One thing I do know is that things change. I'm soooo ready for this year to be over. So when I saw this picture, it made me laugh. Guess which one is me????

Wow...

After studying my ass off (true, I now have no ass) I took my final. Now I tHOUGHT I was going to fail this class. It's a hard effing class. But going into the final, I had an A. I had the highest score in the class. That has NEVER happened to me. This is the only time. The final was a brutal two hours. I don't think I got an A on the final but I don't think anyone else did either. It was tough. Anyway, I know I passed and I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment. It wasn't easy. I'm tired. I'm 39, working, and taking a night class where each chapter of reading was sixty pages, small print. I did it. I didn't fail. I did great!

Next day, still on high. The ex (my co-worker) shows me his Christmas pictures with his daughter (my ex-daughter). I ask him to help me out and learning something at work so I can have more skill. He gets some ego trip and starts behaving very very very badly. I get to hear all about how 'hes over me and moved on to other women'...how 'he doesn't love me anymore'....'he would hate having to train me and doesn't want to help me'.... I had to call a friend to calm me down. I was so angry and we got in a huge fight...but I let him live. Thing is, he's denying it but he still loves me tons. I'm cold to him which is why he's being so manipulative and controlling and holding a grudge. I'm so glad it didn't work out. Can you imagine if I married a manipulator? I still love him and his daughter (especially her) with all my heart but I was spared. Eff love. I am so grateful. What an emotional week. This guy has made me eat carpet too long. He knows how to and does it just because he can.

I have a month until my next class starts. It is supposed to be a lot easier than this class so I'm not worried. I'm still talking to my 25 year old, nerdy, pudgy geek. He just let me know he plays a lot of video games. LOL... I bet they are fantasy video games. I keep plugging away at my boss and my ex. I am the squeaky wheel. I want a better life for myself and they are standing in the way of that. I'm going to pray about it and watch things move. Meanwhile my new bigger clothes are kind of tight. Must work on that.

My Dove Chocolate wrapper says 'think without boundaries'. Okay chocolate. I will listen. You are wise.

I'm procrastinating again

I was going to delete that whole last posting. Way to much information. But then I think of way back when, when if you had an alcoholic in the family it was mentioned in hushed tones and you NEVER talk to others about it. Something to be ashamed of. I don't want to be ashamed because in reality, what my parents were and what I went through doesn't define me.

I go to therapy to seek clarity. If we are all computers, I was built with a bit more bugs in it that need to be worked out (my therpist helps with that). If we are all worms, I am a glow worm. If troubles build character, I have character coming out of my ears. I see all people as gemstones. I just have a few more facets.

So I stick my neck out. I keep trying. I keep studying. I keep talking to people and trying to open up just a bit more.

I do define myself though. I am such a dog. I want food. I want to be pet. I want to play. I want someone to take me for a drive. When I see people I love, I feel like my tail is wagging a mile a minute. Kick me enough times, I will stop approaching. I am loving and loyal but I have beat down dog syndrome which means it just takes me a little longer to get to know you. I love naps. I am also easily distracted (oooo what's that?). I like working (dogs always need a job or they will make one up). I can learn new tricks (Industrial Hygiene right now). And, if anything comes after me or the ones I love (my pack), I'll bite them and I'll be fierce.

This pudgy dog has gained twenty pounds in the last few months. I can feel it everywhere. In between the sulfuric acid inhilation, shingles, dealing with the ex, and losing a daughter, getting assaulted, etc. It's easy to gain weight. So this pudgy dog needs to focus on other things besides chocolate to make me happy. Oh, but what subsitute is there for dark rich seductive chocolate that brings oh such wonderful chemicals into my brain. I actually went to the health food store and asked if they just had that chemical that chocolate gives you. They DO! 75$. Oh my goodness. That's a lot. On a positive note, the lack of exercise has seriously decreased the pain in my feet and knees so I no longer need painkillers. But, I know the weight will start increasing the pain so what's a pudgy dog to do? Whatever it is, no pools. Cold water makes me itch.

So that's how I define myself. Okay back to work.